All posts by Dee

Be Patient…

Cancer Eradication, General

Romans 12:12 says, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”   …ugh… 🙂

Seriously!  When will I learn!  Let’s review, shall we… James 1:2-3 “Consider it all joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”  So I am supposed to be Romans 12:12 “…patient in affliction…”  Do you know what another word for perseverance is?  Yep, “patience.”  In other words (Dee’s words) as I am considering it all joy and being joyful in hope, that will produce patience and I will be patient in affliction.  Nope.  Not working.  Good googely moogely.  This healing stuff is for the birds!  “Your job is to rest.  Be still so your body doesn’t produce too much fluid.”  “Stay mobile to increase your range of motion.”  All I want to do is get the bowl from the second shelf of the cabinet! (hehehehehe…not like it was easy before surgery, I am 5’3″ on my tall days)  I am truly amazed at how the body works.  I also have a new found appreciation for those who have had surgery.  I promise, it has not been bad.  I have been doing very well in the healing process.  It’s just that being “patient in affliction” is causing me major growth opportunities! 

Please pray for my family.  They have to deal with me being home after they have had to deal with work and school.  And here is where the problem lies…I am a homemaker.  I like being home.  But when I’m home, I can do stuff.  Simple stuff like laundry and dishes.  Did you know that reaching and lifting to do laundry and dishes hurts when you have 2 or 4, 4-6inch tubes inside your chest cavity?  Nevermind the hilarity of juggling the bulbs hanging from those tubes coming out of your middle.  Oh my goodness…to be a fly on the wall in my house!  I am not a coordinated person.  But I am a stubborn person.  So if you were a fly on my wall you would die from laughing at me trying to do the things I want to do and believe I should be able to do.  I have convinced myself I was being good.  It may have taken me 4 trips to carry the laundry load to the washer, but by golly I was gonna do it.  I wasn’t over-exerting myself.  I gently transferred the wet items…sometimes even one at a time…into the dryer.  I was behaving!  So why was I hurting!!!  Nothing a couple Advil couldn’t solve.  But do you know what happens to me when I hurt?  I stop doing.  Do you know what happens when a homemaker stops doing?  Nothing…and she gets ornery (is that a northern word?…”grouchy” “cantankerous” got it?).  Oh my…I was looking for help from my tired peeps (the family) and (surprisingly) they have not learned to read my mind yet.  So when I finally ask for help instead of just “looking” for it, it doesn’t come out kind, nice, or patient.  Epic Fail.  Haven’t I already confessed how much I learn from my man…now I have to confess my mothering fails?!?!  Confession: good for the soul, bad for the reputation.  Ugh!  Not only am I stubborn and prideful, but impatient too!?!?  I’m pretty sure I’m failing this test.

“…the testing of your faith produces endurance (perseverance/patience)…” it just depends on the translation.  Either way, I need it.  Here is how wikipedia defines patience:

the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on negative annoyance/anger; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can take before negativity. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.

Ouch.  You see, it took just less than 3 weeks for me to break.  Now, in my defense, I didn’t yell…but I’m not really a yeller.  I’m a grumbler/mumbler under my breath kinda ornery.  So…I called a meeting with the man and a separate one with the kiddos.  In the meeting I explained my need for help and apologized for my lack of communication in asking for said help.  They were very understanding and forgiving.  Yep…they have the steadfastness.  Now for my learning.

“…patient in affliction…” I actually heard it.  I had read it on a prayer card sent from one of the students praying for me.  I think he is in the 4th grade.  (yeah, go ahead…i went there too…he’s more mature than I am…nice)  So, as I am hurting, I hear these words from Romans 12:12.  “NO!” was my response.  I’m tired of being tired and tired of being uncomfortable.  And then there was silence.  It was that kind of silence that was deafening.  Ugh…again.  This is exactly where you need to be, Dee.  Weak.  UGH!-er!  Did I mention I was stubborn?  There was a plan…my plan…1 week with 4 drains, 2 weeks for 2 drains.  At 2 weeks, all drains gone.  But the last 2 drains were not cooperating (right…the drains were not cooperating…go back to the stubborn part).  This was not the plan.  But it was ok.  I’m learning to do life with drains.  I can even make them a part of my accessories and go to church!  So…I do.  Soooo why was I hurting?  Why were the drains still full?  Hmmmmm.  Was I being patient?  Nope.  Was I was learning?  You see, doctors call us their patients because we have to be patient with them and they have to be patient with us…at least that’s where I went.  And who is our ultimate healer?  God.  And what does He tell me to do?  “Be patient in affliction.”  And how can I pass this test?  “be faithful in prayer.”  Oh…right.

So I pray.  I communicate with God and with my family.  And guess what?!  It works!  Yes, it took 2 1/2 weeks for me to be allowed to publish this post (I started it way back then!), but apparently I had to learn a bit about patience before I could send out a post about patience…the irony. 🙂  I confessed my bad attitude to God.  He heard and knew.  He took me back to the journal my friends wrote in during my surgery, the prayer cards that are overflowing my closet, and His Word.  He reminded me that I am His, He has a plan, and I need to obey.  In all that, He gets the glory.

Paul reminds me, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2Cor 12:9-11

HIS grace is sufficient…HIS power is made perfect in weakness.  And that brings us back to James.  Check out chapter 5 verses 10-11.  “…we count as blessed those who have persevered…”  Good grief!  He goes into patience and Job!  Well, I am definitely not going through what Job went through (nor do I want to)!  Lord, forgive me for my orneriness.  I hear You and know Your plan is always better.  May I be faithful to You and faith-filled so others see You in me.

The next doctor’s visit…the tubes came out.  It was CRAZY!  I was still so tentative, but when I realized there was no pain when I crunched…GLORY!!!  I was crunching like crazy!  Then the twisting began!  🙂 The doc told me to still take it easy, but I was going to be more comfortable.  Praise The Lord!  Now, I’m not gonna lie.  I over-did it.  Tubes came out one night…I was still draining the next day (don’t ask…it’s as nasty as you think)…lots of pressure the 3rd day…I had to be still the 4th…better the 5th.  See, even when I get a little “go” I still have to be a patient patient.  I’m still learning.  When God has me weak, I seek Him.  I praise Him in the little things.  I see Him in the little things.  He just gets bigger.  Keep on going in chapter 5.  It just gets better…and so will I.

Patience.  Now my energy is getting better every day.  I even got permission to drive!  Don’t worry, my man has my car in the shop, so I still can’t drive…Patience…week 4 has been great!  We see the specialist in just 1 more week.  Now I’m back to thinking it’s all happening so fast! HA!  Did you go back to chapter 5?  Read it.  “Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord.  And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”  (vs 13-16)  Join us (for so many are praying on our behalf).  We are praying the docs say no further treatment is necessary.  I, very selfishly, don’t want to do chemo or pills.  Do I think I can and God can use me?  Yes.  But, I also want God to speak to and through these docs and all the research that has been done so that they can look at me and say, “no further treatment necessary.”  Can I tell you what name will be proclaimed!?  Oh what JOY that will bring!

Genesis…

Cancer Eradication

Don’t you just want to start from the beginning sometimes?  I do…a lot.  I find myself going back when I’m confused-to try to find out where I got lost.  Well, this has been a strange week.  The news was good…kinda…but a bit confusing.  So, we go back to the beginning.

We’ve been studying Genesis in Sunday School for a month now.  I love Genesis.  It’s got a lot of the really “fun” children’s Bible history.  You know…creation, the garden, Noah and the flood, the tower of Babel,  Father Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, Joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat…wait…;).  We (the family) have read it multiple times (by the way, free parenting advice here, when you are reading with your pre-teen and teen…it’s a bit awkward at times…it’s not a G-rated book :)) and every time we learn something.  This time is no different.  But, being very honest here, sometimes I just want to read the Bible to read it.  Not have it apply to my life.  Not have it speak to me.  Just enjoy the words on the page…ya know?  But NO…not now, not here, not again.  Between the pastor preaching on the lessons from Joseph and SS…I’m toast.

Humility.  Let’s just start there.  Having breast cancer is very humbling.  I mean, try telling your very naive, curious, and slightly dramatic prepubescent son you have breast cancer.  “What?”  “Where?”  “How’d they find that?”  “You had to WHAT!?”  “They had to WHAT!?”  “Oh my gosh!  You’re gonna DIE!!!”  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Ok, it was kinda funny.  Leave it to Strongman to bring humor to it.  But seriously, there is no way to exalt yourself when you hear the medical team say, “it was positive for cancer.”   We only had one place to go.  Down.  Humble ourselves and pray.  For us, it’s just where we go.  We learned very early in our marriage that we were nothing and God was everything.  We learned very early in our ministry that we were nothing and God was everything.  My man taught me this.  He thrives in the background.  He is the guy you want on your team because he sees the big picture and then sees all the little things that need to be fixed to make it happen before they need to be fixed.  This is super irritating when you just see the big picture and want to get there.  Ugh!!!  Can I tell you how many times he’s been right!?  “Dee, we’re going to need to do this first.”  “Dee, you’re going to have to wait until this happens.”  “Dee, …”  UGH!!!  And then I have to go back and say “Thanks, you were right…this is perfect.”  OH!  That was so hard to learn!  I am obviously still struggling with it…HA!  But isn’t that exactly what God does time and time again?!  “Let us build a tower ourselves…let us make a name for ourselves…” (Gen. 11:4).  Yeah, self-sufficiency in its supreme state.    And then what does God do?  He goes down to see this thing and throws them a curve ball.  He mixes up the languages so they would scatter.  But wait…wasn’t that what they were supposed to do in the beginning anyway?  “Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth…” (Gen 1:28).  Yep, “thanks, God, you were right…this is perfect.”  (see what I mean!  irritating isn’t it!)  So…humbly we go to God.  We know His promises are true.  We know He sees the big picture and has since the beginning. We know all this will work out for His good and our joy will be made complete.

There was no cancer in the lymph nodes.  They got good, clear margins around the tumors.  The tumors were all small.  They think they got it all.  Well let’s just praise the Lord!  So that’s the good news…and it’s really good news.

Try to stay with me because it gets a little complicated here…this all started with DCIS (stage 0) in the right.  MRI revealed suspicions in left.  That turned out to be IDC (stage 1) in left (it’s also HER2+…that’s the not good kind).  With cancer in both breasts at the same time and me in my early 40’s, docs recommend  removal of both.  Now, it’s my understanding that the “best” cancer to get is DCIS…they use the word “cure”.  We were good there…it’s when lefty came into play that things got complicated.  Then, after the double mastectomy, things got even more complicated.  They found DCIS in both breasts and IDC in both.  But remember, everything is small.  So I am still at stage 1 in both breasts.  I am ER/PR+.  This is good because they can “clean me up” with tamoxifen (a pill for 5 years that reduces the risk of recurrence).  The issue is the HER2+ tumor.  It measured 6mm on the MRI and 4mm in pathology with traces on other slides.  Apparently, anything 5mm + gets chemo and targeted therapy.  So doc doesn’t know if he should go with the 6mm measurement or the 4mm + .  He doesn’t want to miss anything, and he doesn’t want to over treat.  So, he’s sending me back to the specialist.  He wants to get the opinion of someone who may have seen more cases like this.   So, off we go.

I am so excited about hearing the words “no chemo” out of a doc’s mouth.  But I want to be where God wants me.  Humbly I bow…Lord, get me out of the way…I know You’ll make it perfect…You always do.

I Am Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

General

Psalm 139…do you know it?  I was reminded of it this morning.  It seems to be used most often when valuing life…as it should.  King David seemed to be praising God for His deep love for him.  Anyone worthy of that kind of love from such a mighty God must be someone pretty special.

During one of my last conversations with a special friend she reminded me how important it was to be in His Word.  How much she desired to know His thoughts about her.  How much He knew about her from the very beginning until the very end. “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” (Psalm 139:16 ESV) She trusted Him and His plan even when she didn’t understand because she knew He had her.  She desperately wanted to honor Him even if she didn’t have control of her mind.  She was anxious, but trusting Him with each of her days because He knew her days before there was even one of them.  She was one of the amazing women God placed in my life to show me how to live for Christ in every circumstance of life.  Ms Pat, I miss you often.

You see, today…many hours from now…we will hopefully get our final pathology report.  And I am anxious.  I went to bed thinking about it.  I woke up thinking about it.  I sit here (needing desperately to take a shower) thinking about it.  I am extremely hopeful.  No lymph node involvement, maybe even, “we couldn’t find any cancer!” That would be so cool!  I’m even good with “we found it, it was there, but it was so small there is no need for any further treatment.”  And then I catch myself.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!  And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23-24 ESV)

Am I trusting?  Am I doubting?  Am I grieving Him?  Will I be ok if they say, “we found traces in the nodes.”  Will I find peace in any treatment plan?

“But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” (James 3:17-18 ESV)

Leave it to a younger brother to speak about wisdom in the midst of trials.  James, the bro of Jesus, became a leader in the church.  This book is kinda like a proverb to me.  My younger sister is full of wisdom.  She holds her tongue.  She is peaceable, gentle, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, and sincere.  It’s kinda a pain being her sister.  You see, Proverbs is full of wisdom advice.  James is filled with practical application of wisdom. The two go hand in hand.  My sister, she takes my hand☺.  God has graciously given me so many examples of wisdom in my life it is mind blowing.

Now, here I am, waiting.  Trusting that God has this.  That I will put my faith into action no matter what the news is.  That “He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.” (Psalm 112:7)  [Thanks JAW! Perfect timing]

Lord, may I bring honor to You by trusting You – knowing You have each of my days planned, the wisdom I have comes from You and will respond with reason, and that there is no reason to fear…because I trust You. And nothing else is more trustworthy.

Now for laundry and a shower…joy;)

I’m Alive!

Cancer Eradication

Wow…I’m so sorry.  I will try to be a bit more current, but surgery wipes a girl out! 🙂

So, it looks like Brian kept you guys very updated for the 30ish hours we were in the hospital…HA!  Wasn’t that completely God!?  We prayed I would not be in the hospital for long.  TA-DA!  Ask, and you shall receive…right? 😉  Ok, so I think our parents had small heart attacks when they found out we were going to be home for lunch the next day…but they are kinda coming around…kinda.

Here’s the deal…as long as my surgery was (a little over 6 hours), it was not a complicated surgery.  The cancer is in each breast (that’s a bummer) so removing the breasts was the best idea for long term chances of non-recurrence.  (BTW…I am ALL FOR breast conservation surgery. That was our initial plan with the DCIS in the right.  This double mastectomy thing is not a walk in the park!)  When doing a mastectomy, the lymph nodes are much easier to get to, so they (the surgeons) like to check those out while they are in there.  They are located in the arm and begin by the armpit.  These are the “difficult” part of the surgery (in my opinion).  The docs inject an “identifier” and the lymph nodes do their job and pull that stuff into them.  The docs can use a device (its really cool to watch online) to find the nodes and then dig them out.  Like I said, that’s kinda the hard part for me.  They are trying to miss nerves and vessels (to all my medical friends, please grant me grace in my lingo) as they dig.  My doc did a great job!  My nodes on the right were working overtime and he had to remove 2…left only had 1 removed.  But here’s another God thing…I think I have full feeling!  Thanks Doc!  He warned me that I may have numbness in my arm, but all seems good at this point!  Yay!  As you saw in one of Brian’s posts, no cancer was found in any of the nodes on the initial search.  Praise The Lord!!!  We will hear final pathology results Monday afternoon.  So, in my mind, removing “the girls” in surgery doesn’t involve working around the other inside stuff…so it’s just not the same as a hysterectomy, liver cancer or colon cancer or ovarian or that kind of stuff…it’s just “the girls”.  So going home soon is definitely an option if all goes well…and Praise God, it did!

Well, once the surgical oncologist was finished, the plastic surgeon began his work.  He inserted “TE’s” (tissue expanders) and filled them a bit.  I had 4 drains (2 on each side) to help remove the fluid that your body naturally sends to a damaged part of the body.  These drains tunnel from where “the girls” were to outside my body from my sides into “charged” bulbs.  The bulbs collect the fluid and have to be emptied twice a day.  Maybe Paul’s thorn was a drain…these things are a pain in my side (hehehehe, get it 😉 ???).  Praising God again, I got 2 of them removed today (and the knots to the sutures!)!  WhooHoo!  Brian has been such a champ.  He has had to juggle a lot with all this and has done it with strength and compassion.  That’s a tough combination for any man and he has proven himself up to the task.  Thanks for praying for him…he still needs it ;).

So, I think that gets you up-to-date with the medical.  Physically, I’ve been taking it slow.  The drains made it hard to twist, the nodes made it hard to put weight on my arms.  This means I got to sleep in my comfy chair with arms propped and feet up.  Try getting into your bed and comfy without the use of your arms nor the ability to twist.  Yeah, that happened multiple times in the hospital and once at home.  That was enough.  I did it, but it was exhausting and excruciating at times.  Oooohhh…the pain meds.  They’ve been great.  But let me tell you!!!  I did NOT do well on that morphine pump!  I don’t do meds…really, I don’t.  I do honey and a home remedy for allergies because antihistamines do weird things to me.  So the night nurse (bless) had to try to figure out what was going on that first night.  She turned off the pump and gave me the oral meds and life got MUCH better.  Crazy thing is I don’t know if I needed the pain meds.  They made me very tired (still haven’t been able to catch up on emails) and unsteady.  I took them every 7-8 hours until today…again, Praise the Lord!  Doc said I probably didn’t need the stuff I was on, just some anti-inflammatory meds because I was experiencing nerve pain.  You see, the drains were messing with a nerve and it got swollen and agitated…causing pain!  So he took me off one and introduced me to another.  Now I am feeling even more better! (sorry english people, I know that was a double thingy (superlative?) 😉 ) So, pain is getting more manageable on less drugs for me.  My range of motion and strength increase each day too.  I am hoping to be in my bed very soon!

Emotionally and spiritually I cannot tell you how great it’s been.  My emotions were out of control on the pump and I had a random breakdown last night…but other than that it’s been pretty steady!  I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from my family (physical and spiritual).  I have flowers and balloons, gifts and cards, and an incredible prayer journal that bring me so much joy it’s just…God.  Not to mention my sister got me some cute pj’s from the Maxx and I am rockin’ those! (hahahaha!)  Ok, seriously, I can’t help but be thankful.  Yes, this diagnosis stinks, but isn’t that just life?  “We are never promised easy” one of my friends said.  But isn’t He enough?  Hasn’t He shown Himself trustworthy in EVERY area of my life before?  Why would I doubt Him and His plan now?  Now THAT seems unstable (remember, I’m off the drugs now).  That entire, “consider it all joy…” thing is such an amazing teaching for me.  We have encountered trials before, and lacked nothing.  James just puts it out there so incredibly simply.  (If you haven’t read James for a while…do it.)  We are honored that God trusts us with this.  I know it must sound crazy.  I know I am clueless as to how I will respond to treatment. I do not think I’m in denial.  I think this is just God.  It makes me a little sad when others say they are sorry that we have to go through this.  Why?  Do you know how much bigger this thing is than I am?  Do you know how many people have been calling out to God on my behalf because of this?  Do you know how much God LOVES to hear from His people?  This is bringing people to the feet of God…I can’t do that!  When I get these prayer cards…people are going to God first.  When those cards have scripture on them, they are recalling what they have hidden in their hearts or are searching God’s Word!  It just doesn’t get any better!!!  This is our passion!  This is our desire!  This is what Brian and I have given our lives to…that we may be used to send others to God first and His Word.  Isaiah 40:8 “The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever.”  This is truth.  People can’t count on me or Brian or anyone else.  We fade.  But if we can have an opportunity to get our children, our students, our young people, our family to seek Him and His Word…holy mackenoly…that’s super exciting…and humbling. 

So, yes, we take all this very seriously.  To try to explain the joy we have reading the evidences of others seeking God is just too weird…but it’s so true.  There is joy in the trials…unspeakable joy.